


Can't Sleep

by spowell Once and Future Series (SPowell)



Series: Once and Future [17]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Returns, M/M, Magic, post episode 5x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1751720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPowell/pseuds/spowell%20Once%20and%20Future%20Series
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A late night talk clears the air somewhat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> I was little surprised at the anger expressed toward Merlin, particularly those who seem to think he'd rather go back to his old life than have Arthur around. I don't think I've written Merlin to sound that way--he really doesn't even have any friends, other than Davies and two people who live in another area that he hasn't seen in a long time.  
> As I've said before, this is written from Arthur's pov, so you really get a biased look, but please try to put yourself in Merlin's place. I would rather write a balanced view here. I realize Arthur is vulnerable. Of course he is.  
> Anyway, I have no idea if this next bit will help those who feel that way or not.  
> Also, I am of the opinion that men, unlike women, are not as sensitive about sex. If Arthur wanted sex, he was going to have sex. If he hadn't wanted it, he would have said so or pushed Merlin away. There was no being "taken advantage of," and Arthur does not feel that way in this story.  
> As always, I love my readers. You guys are great, and I'm glad you're into the story enough to feel anything at all. <3

***

Arthur wakes up in the night to an empty bed. His heart speeds up until he turns over and spots the faint glow of light coming from the living room. Swinging his legs off the mattress, Arthur pauses to pull on his underwear before padding barefoot down the short hall into the living room.

“Merlin?”

He finds Merlin curled up on the sofa staring out the window into the darkness outside. Merlin looks up at Arthur’s entrance, surprised.

“Arthur…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I don’t think you did,” Arthur says, climbing over the coffee table to sit beside Merlin. Merlin opens the shawl he has wrapped around him to envelop Arthur in it, too.

“What are you doing?” Arthur asks. “Can’t you sleep?”

Merlin doesn’t answer for a moment. Arthur can feel Merlin’s heart beating steadily against his hand, and he smooths the soft cotton of the t-shirt under his palm and waits.

“No, I couldn’t,” Merlin finally answers. “I tried for a long time.”

“Seems you’re always fighting for a good eight hours sleep. Have you always slept so poorly?” Arthur asks.

“You mean before?” Merlin laughs without humour, jostling Arthur’s head where it rests on Merlin’s shoulder. “I think I slept my best on that awful straw mattress in the room above Gaius’. Even with the threat of someone finding out about my magic, I slept better than I have since the day you closed your eyes at Camlann.”

Arthur looks up at Merlin. “But now that I’m back? Why don’t you sleep well now?”

Merlin chews on his lip, worrying it between his teeth.

“I’m so afraid, Arthur,” he whispers, and Arthur pushes up to a seated position.

“You don’t have to be afraid, Merlin. I won’t let anything happen to you; I never would.”

Merlin lifts a finger, running it down the side of Arthur’s face. Arthur almost doesn’t catch his next words. “So fierce. So dear.”

Arthur grasps Merlin’s hand before he can let it drop.

“Tell me what you’re afraid of,” he demands, ready to take action.

Merlin’s eyes meet Arthur’s. “Of something you can’t control; I’m afraid of losing you, Arthur. I’m afraid you’ll disappear one day the way you suddenly appeared. I’m afraid someone here will hurt you because you’re too good for this world. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you. I’ve already done, just trying to protect you. I want to teach you things, but…”

He looks away, gaze falling behind Arthur on the stack of photo albums on the shelf. “And I should have gotten rid of those.”

“No, you shouldn’t. They’re your memories.”

Merlin doesn’t say anything, and Arthur combs his fingers through Merlin’s hair, which is soft and rumpled from going to bed with it wet.

“I looked through one earlier," Arthur admits, "and I was a little upset. But only because I got jealous of pictures of you with some guy. I’m okay now.”

“Those are over twenty years old. Another reason I should get rid of them.” Merlin pulls Arthur in close. “He didn’t matter, Arthur. None of them did. I was always looking over my shoulder for you.”

“That must have been awful,” Arthur reflects. “So many life times. It’s a wonder you didn’t give up hope.”

Merlin’s arms tighten around him. “I never did. Never.” He kisses Arthur’s temple. “Arthur, what was that about, in the shower? I mean, you standing in the cold water, then wanting me to top you.”

Arthur stares into the darkness of the room. “I’d been trying to cool down my frustration, and I suddenly just wanted to feel you inside me. I wanted to feel what you feel when I’m inside of you.”

Merlin’s lips move into a smile against Arthur’s head. “How was it?”

“It was exactly what I needed.” Arthur turns over and they rearrange themselves so that Merlin’s lying down on the couch with Arthur hovering over him. “Any way you can magic this thing a bit wider?” he asks, and Merlin’s eyes flash.

The sofa suddenly gives, and Arthur’s able to lie on his side. He leans in and kisses Merlin deeply.

“Arthur, I’m sorry,” Merlin sighs resting his head on Arthur’s shoulder. “I said things I shouldn’t have. You’re doing a great job acclimating, and I suck at helping you.” He laces their fingers together. “I’ve spent all this time waiting for you, and maybe I thought it would be perfect when you came back, and in a way it is---but you keep getting hurt, and you’re so jealous of Brandon, when I _don’t want him_! And I’m proud of you and want everyone to know you and love you as much as I do. But I’m so used to being alone, and like I said, I suck at giving you what you need.”

“Suck?” Arthur frowns.

“As in …stink. I’m crap at it. All I do is upset you.”

Arthur makes a disapproving noise. “You didn’t hurt my feelings, Merlin, if that’s what you think. I wasn’t in there crying because of anything you said or did. I’m not a _girl_.” He shifts. “I was fucking jealous, and I’m fucking frustrated! Did you see the holes I put in the wall?” He motions with his hand. “And then I just _fucking_ wanted you to _fuck_ me! This isn’t a soap opera, you know.”

Merlin leans back a little to see Arthur better. “Since when do you know about soap operas?”

“Since I started watching them in the afternoons when I’m not working in the shop,” Arthur replies. “They’re very interesting, but a little over-emotional, if you ask me. If this were a soap opera, we wouldn’t be sitting here talking; I’d be next door fucking the neighbor.”

Merlin laughs before growing serious. “Wait a minute…who’s our neighbor? Are you talking about the guy who's always in a suit and has the big dog?”

“His name is Ralph and that’s Buttons,” Arthur says. “I met him last week.”

“You did, did you?” Merlin doesn’t look happy at all. “How well did you get to know him?”

“We had tea. And I gave Buttons a treat,” Arthur replies, slowly sliding his hand down Merlin’s leg and back up again.

“Hmph,” Merlin grunts. “I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”

“Who’s jealous now?” Arthur laughs. "I thought you wanted me to make friends."

Merlin is silent for a moment. “I do," he finally says. "And I’m sorry about what I said about Jake and the others. They _are_ your friends—of course they are.”

Arthur shrugs. “I don’t know. I like sword fighting with them, but that really is all we talk about. I’m not exactly one for having friends, Merlin. It’s kind of a new concept to me.”

“We were friends,” Merlin says quietly.

“Yes,” Arthur hugs him close. “We were. And we still are.” He up looks at Merlin, who has begun to tremble. “Are you crying?”

Merlin shakes his head, tears running unchecked. His face crumples.

“Merlin!” Arthur pulls Merlin closer, absorbing the sudden bout of sobs. “Stop that! Merlin, I order you to stop crying!”

Merlin cries harder, or maybe he’s begun laughing, Arthur isn’t sure.

“I’m sorry I can’t make it perfect for you, Arthur,” Merlin finally says into Arthur’s chest.

“Anywhere you are is perfect to me,” Arthur assures him. “And I’m the one who came out of nowhere and refused to work at your shop with you and insisted on going out and getting hurt…making you worry. And then I got drunk.”

Merlin pulls back, face streaked with his tears. “That wasn’t exactly your fault, Arthur. I should have gone in there with you!”

“To hold my hand while I pissed?” Arthur asks. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I forced you to drink in order to loosen you up.”

“You didn’t force me to do anything, Merlin. You couldn’t.”

“Well, I used my considerable charm, then,” Merlin corrects, smiling a little.

“Right.”

“You would’ve been fine if you hadn’t had all that booze,” Merlin insists, shaking his head. He leans back. “I’ve gotten into so many messes, Arthur…you don’t know. If it weren’t for my magic, I’d be dead. If I could die, that is.” He looks back at Arthur. “Maybe…maybe we should wait about getting married. You might decide you don’t want it. I want you to be happy.”

Arthur climbs over Merlin so he’s straddling him. “You _will_ marry me, Merlin. You’ve already said yes, and you can’t get out of it.” He leans down and kisses Merlin breathless. “We’ll work everything out.”

They kiss again. After a few moments, something occurs to Arthur, and he pulls away.

“If I had arrived while you were in the middle of a relationship with someone, what would you have done?”

“Arthur,” Merlin shakes his head. “I’ve never had a serious relationship since you’ve been gone. But if I’d been dating someone…say Brandon, since I guess that’s where we might have been headed…I would have broken up with him, of course. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.”

Arthur thinks about this. “So there have been no marriages, Merlin? No children? In all these many, many years?”

Merlin shakes his head no.

“But…”

“Think about it, Arthur. Everyone grows old, leaving me behind. I couldn’t stay with any one person for long. But I always knew you would come back to me one day, so it was okay.”

It saddens Arthur to think of Merlin always having to move on, never being able to forge stable relationships. He’d been a little angry with him earlier for nagging about the alcohol and teasing him about the costume. And then for expecting Arthur to get along with his plebian friends. But Arthur realized later, when he got to thinking about it, that if he’s honest with himself, he really doesn’t want Merlin to have friends, or a past, or anything really that doesn’t involve Arthur. And he wonders if that’s why he’s hesitating to forge any real relationships himself---because the less people either one of them become close to, the less people there are to come between them.

And is that really fair to Merlin?

“I… _suck_ at something too, Merlin,” Arthur tells him after lying back down in the darkness.

“What?” Merlin asks.

“I suck at relating to people. When have I ever had to do anything but tell other people what they want to hear or let them worship me or wait on me? Until Father died, I only ever did his bidding, like some wind up toy. After that..."

“You started thinking for yourself, Arthur. Don’t sell yourself short. You were a good king--A great king.”

“But I don’t know how to be a friend.”

“I told you …we were friends.”

“Such wonderful friends, I put you in the stocks I don't know how many times. Such wonderful friends, you couldn’t even tell me about your magic!” Arthur sits up again, suddenly angry. “You thought I’d take your head off!”

“Arthur…”

“Don’t try to deny it, Merlin. It hurt me to realize you’d hidden it from me for so long, because you were not only my friend, but my one and only friend! And you lied…to save yourself from my wrath.”

“I wanted to tell you, Arthur, I did,” Merlin says earnestly, “so many times.”

“I believe you,” Arthur says. “You just didn’t think I would accept it. And you were right to be unsure. I don’t know how I would have reacted.”

He gets up.

“Arthur, where are you going?”

“To bed. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

He walks across the room, stopping at the door. Turning around, he looks at Merlin. “Well? Come on, then. I’m not getting into that bed alone.”

Merlin nods and gets off the couch, taking Arthur's hand and following him down the hall to their bedroom.


End file.
